Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

Starring:

Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Bryce Dallas Howard, Anton Yelchin, Moon Bloodgood

The Plot:

After three stabs at homicide via time travel, the machines go toe to toe with John Conner in the ruins of judgement day. Conner, brandishing a new method of killing robots at his disposal, aims to finish the war once and for all, but he doesn't plan on meeting a new kind of Terminator that may change both the past and the future.

My Two Cents:

When one leaves the theater having watched a film, the first question that comes across one's mind should not be "What in the hell was the point of that movie?". Yes it's generally not a good thing when a film leaves me baffled as to its purpose, but Terminator Salvation makes easy work of it.

First off, it's not that the flick is a bad movie, ok it kind of is, but it has explosions and stuff so it's kind of watchable. The problem is that there is no reason for any of it. In the realm of unnecessary sequels, this is the poster child.

The first three Terminator films had a clear villain. The villain of this installment is about as vague as a blind person giving a physical description. Sure Skynet is what needs to be destroyed, but there really is no face to it, the only real villains are different types of killing machines that get trading card type descriptions from characters when they can take a breath from the action.

Another thing about the movie is that for a mythology surrounding John Conner, this film sure didn't seem to preoccupied with making him a dominant part of the film. What we get instead is Marcus Wright, a death row inmate turned robotic humanoid that joins Conner's future father and a mute 10 year old in search of other survivors. Aside from Wright the movie really has no focus on other characters, even Conner, which leads me to not give a rat's ass for any of them, which ultimately leads to not give a rat's ass about what is happening in the movie aside from the kabooms and kapows filling the screen.

As for the ending, well lets just say that the ending is about a ho-hum as it can get. There's no tension, there's no excitement and most importantly, there is nothing to take from it besides a sure bet that there is going to be yet another pointless sequel that logically judging from the film's universe, will do nothing but start the entire franchise over again, since it all begins with sending someone back in time to save John Conner's mother.

The worst thing about the ending is that it is the equivalent of a frat boy telling a beautiful girl that he is going to be screwing her after only saying hello to her for the first time. The ending is so open ended that it's basically saying "Yeah, you like what you see, you know you do and there's gonna be more where that came from." It's one thing when a franchise, such as Lord of the Rings, ends openly because all the films were made at the same time. It's another thing when a filmmaker is so pretentious that he just assumes we are going to drown ourselves in the mess he's created and then expects us to go back for seconds.

Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan united to breathe new life into the Batman franchise. Christian Bale and "McG" have united to ter...termin...ah hell with it, terminate this franchise.

Grade: D

Movie Review: Star Trek

Starring:

Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, Eric Bana, Leonard Nimoy

The Plot:

A look at the origin of the famous crew of the USS Enterprise in a new take on the classic series.

My Two Cents:

If Star Trek, Beverly Hills 90210, and Michael Bay had a drunken night of debauchery, and JJ Abrams were to take their mutant offspring and craft it into a upstanding and well-spoken piece of work, then that's pretty much what this latest iteration of the Trek is.

Abrams' Star Trek isn't just a sequel, prequel or even a remake. He stripped this junker of its old rusty dull parts and fitted it with shiny new parts that make men drool and ladies swoon. He took this once plodding series loved by some and made it available to all.

This is the breath of fresh air Star Trek needed to keep its legacy relevant. Abrams was brave enough to broaden the demographic allowing the most brutish and manly of men to openly come out of the Trekkie closet, and what's even better is that he didn't have to spit in the faces of fanboys to do it.

What's different with this installment is obviously the action and visuals. Gone are the aspirations of peace and exploration and in their stead are phasers, lasers and explosion...asers. The special effects are eye-popping and on par with the likes of Star Wars. (Yes I just went there!) But amidst this fresh coat of ass-kicking paint, Abrams still hands out so much for fanboys to salivate over and most of this comes in the casting.

The Enterprise crew is brilliantly casted, giving fans of the original series peace of mind that the heart of their beloved series still exists. Chris Pine (honestly the best thing in Smokin' Aces) makes for a great Kirk mixing bravado and slapstick seamlessly. Zoe Saldana brings a new level of hotness to Uhura and also a personality. Zachary Quinto is pretty much born to play a modern-day Spock and the rest of the supporting crew fits perfectly dropping their respective quotes when their time comes to make fans wet themselves with glee.

In addition, the inclusion of Leonard Nimoy as an integral part of the story also exists as great fan treatment and I admire Abrams commitment to story by not overdoing it with cheesy cameos from every other former cast member. It's good to see that a filmmaker cares about the story and not senseless pandering.

Though the plot itself breaks one of my rules of sci-fi, which is involving time travel, it's exciting and most importantly accessible.(Say it with me Trekkies...accessible) You don't have to be a nerd to love this film and fanboys don't have to feel that the series has sold out. So come together nerds and normals, and bask in the greatness of Abrams energized version of a classic.

Grade: B+

Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Ryan Reynolds

The Plot: The origin (hence the title) of the popular X-Man, Wolverine as he becomes the indestructible menace fighting alongside other mutants to stop a mad military scientist and his own brother Sabretooth.

My two cents: In the first two films of the X-Men franchise, Brian Singer made story and character the highlight of the film. Sure, when it comes to a film about the X-Men, setting aside time for each hero to use their power seems mandatory, but Singer never overdid it. He made films about the X-Men, not about their powers.

Brett Ratner on the other hand did the exact opposite and crammed as many different characters on film as he could to have a spectacle take place, leaving limited time for a plot and characters, even the important ones. What resulted was what I assumed to be the death of the X-Men franchise.

But lo and behold I was wrong when someone decided that biopics needed to be made about specific characters. With X-Men Origins being apart of the title, its safe to assume that after the probable success of Wolverine, there will be more films focusing on other characters. (Can't wait for a film about the kid that changes TV channels with his mind!)

Unfortunately Gavin Hood didn't quite learn from Ratners mistakes and took a film about one character and introduced a bunch of others leaving our clawed hero on the sidelines for portions of the film. Once again time is set aside for every different character to have their little moment to show off and then, for the most part, they are done. It's really a shame because there are some great characters that deserve their own story arcs but probably won't get such treatment, such as fan favorites, Gambit and Deadpool.

Wolverine, as a film, plays out like a video game. About every 15 minutes or so, you have a boss fight with a unique character for very vague reasons, culminating in the final boss fight with the mega mutant. The fights aren't really that spectacular and they are over fairly quick, due to the fact that more powers need to be crammed into the movie.

There is a facsimile of a story that exists underneath all the noise but it's fairly anticlimactic. The ending is about as ho-hum as it gets and leaves me thinking that none of these Origins stories will have satisfying conclusions. What really hurts the story the most is that they are trying to tie it into the universe that Singer has created, rather than starting from scratch and making something that holds itself on its own two legs. I already know what's going to happen, so give me something I don't expect.

Wolverine is a good popcorn flick. There are plenty of explosions and bright lights to stimulate the senses, but for the most part it's claws were a little dull. (And the award for cheesy pun goes to...)

Grade: C-

Movie Review: Crank 2 High Voltage

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Efran Ramirez and Dwight Yoakam

The Plot:

Chev Chelios just can't catch a break. After keeping the adrenaline in his ticker pumping, he now has to work to get said heart back in his chest after Chinese Triads stole it and replaced with an artificial one. The only problem is that he has to keep himself electrically charged during the process, thus unleashing another hour-and-a-half of mayhem on the streets of Los Angeles.

My Two Cents:

Many an eyebrow were raised after it was announced that there would be a sequel to Crank. After watching the protagonist plummet thousands of feet and plaster himself on solid concrete you would have thought that pretty much sealed the deal for a permanent conclusion. Ah but we just couldn't count Hollywood out on capitalizing on the moderate success the first installment wagered.

So Jason Statham is back reprising his role, pretty much starting off where the last flick ended. Chinese gangsters swoop in and literally scoop up Chelios off the pavement and load him into a van to have his mighty organs harvested for an ailing Triad leader. Now, I know you are saying to yourself, "That's just crazy!" and I will respond, "That's just the first five minutes."

What transpires until the end credits of the film is nothing short of batshit insanity. The first Crank played around with the idea of creating a live action Loony Tunes for adults. Crazy camera angles, odd transitions and a rap-sheet of off-the-wall characters. What it did was set the foundation for the outright bizarre and hysterically offbeat nature of its sequel.

First and foremost, the filmmakers take a low-tech originality when it comes to shooting the film. Rather than using high-priced cameras for dramatic wide and expansive shots, they opt for a gritty hand-held camera look for up close and personal filming. The shots are dizzying and a lot more intense which fits the film perfectly.

Crank 2 is also much more confident in being as offensive, filthy and downright disgusting as it wants to be. From gun-toting strippers to walking/talking racist Asian stereotypes to an African-American, homosexual biker-gang. They pretty much cover all their bases in the rules of crudeness. And yes, if you are wondering, there is another public sex scene between Statham and Smart, and let's just say this one is turned up to 11.

The film is an exercise in excess, just when you think this film has pushed the boundaries of insanity, it one ups itself. In the first half of the film, it works. Upon the viewing of this bizarre tangents you say to yourself, "Ha Ha Ha, WTF is that?!" but around the final act, it turns into "Seriously, WTF is that!?"

The movie becomes offbeat for the sake of being offbeat and it really starts to run out of steam, just like Chelios heart. (HA! Nailed it!) One example is the return of another actor who bit the dust in the last film, Efran Ramirez. Except he is not the same character, but his twin brother who is afflicted with full-body tourettes syndrome causing violent convulsions. I mean, what the hell?

Another scene involves a man-in-suit type Godzilla style fight in a power plant that defies any logic. Things like this bring out a few laughs but in the end spawn more rolls of the eyes.

If you like films that push story aside for the sake of brawn, bullets, boobs, and b-...b-...b-...bad-assery,(yeah that'll work) then Crank 2 is right up your alley. I enjoy big dumb action, and while Crank 2 pushes the limits of my tolerance levels, I still found it to be pretty enjoyable fare.

Grade: C+

Listed: 10 Movies Worth Seeing and Worth Never Seeing Again - Part 2

5. 2001 A Space Odyssey


Probably the least violent film on this list but certainly the most mundane, 2001 is a masterpiece, but it is also a film worth only enjoying in once. I'm a Kubrick fan, no doubt, but the slow, plodding, space-like nature of the film makes it a one-time screener.

2001 is a piece of art, and like a piece of art, it can be interpreted in many ways, but upon your first viewing of it there is really no sense in going back to it for something you missed. It's like looking at the Mona Lisa, you see it once, take it in, enjoy its beauty, and then never think to see it ever again.





4. Straw Dogs


Straw Dogs is a tame movie in terms of violence, compared to the others on this list but what makes this movie infamous is its rape scene involving his wife. What makes it worse is the aftermath when it looks as though she enjoyed it, all the while Dustin Hoffman, playing a nerdy mathmatician, has to man up and defend her honor, even though he never stands up for himself.

In end of the film is a Funny Games/Strangers type scenario where Hoffman defends his home against his wife's assailants, diving in to his most brutal nature while his wife still chastises his manhood.



3. United 93

Amid the cires of "Too soon!!! Too Soon!!!', Paul Greengrass wedged his way through the static and crafted a dignified portrait of the fateful flight of United Airlines 93 on September 11th. What transpires is a film very similar to Elephant in terms of its storytelling. There are no known actors in the film and some even played themselves in the roles they took part in during the actual events of September 11th.

The movie is beautiful and simple in its execution, but we all know what happens in the end, and no matter how heroic the deeds of this film, it isn't the type of movie you throw in the player at your next party. It's heart-wrenching and anger-inducing and nothing you want to keep putting yourself through.




2. The Happening

Most of the films on this list are quality films that have tough imagery to take in. The Happening is the exact oppisite of these movies. It is a truly downright awful film that should be seen to be believed, and then put out of memory for eternity. The film teeters on "So bad, it's good" status, but the problem is that it takes itself so seriously. Films like Troll 2 or Army of Darkness are terrible films, but there is so much joy in watching them over and over again.

The insane performances of the actors in the film and the all around reveal and implementation of the villain comes off hysterically funny, but leaves nothing to be desired to watch it again. Not to mention the headache-inducing dialogue. What happened M. Night Shyamalan, and no that wasn't a pun. Here's a gem for you.






1. Natural Born Killers

Granted, Oliver Stone's, drug-induced slap in the face to a media and violence obsessed culture has quite the followingm but I entertain the opinion that this movie hates its audience and wants to rub their noses in all kinds of mess. Natural Born Killers is something to be seen, I won't deny that. The psycadelic visuals and all-around psychotic story-telling is a unique film experience.

But what turns me off to the film is that not one character in the whole movie is likeable. Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis are of course our killers, but the cast of whacky side characters are just as demeneted and disgusting as they are. I just can't get into this movie, and after seeing it once I know it will never grace my eyes with its presence again.

Listed: 10 Movies Worth Seeing and Worth Never Seeing Again

10: Audition:


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially if that woman has a knack for torture and dismemberment. Yes Takeshi Miike's ode to deranged beauties is an odd mix of romance, surrealism, and shear brutality. Consider this film the Jaws of date movies, because underneath the facade of a gorgeous face, there could be an attention whoring homicidal maniac lurking.

The movie has two acts. We begin with a widower craving the affection of a good woman and the compassion of a good mother for his son. His friend, a movie producer, hatches a scheme to hold a pseudo-fake audition for a film to hook him up with a lovely lady. The woman he picks is a quiet ballet dance, Asami, who has a clingy nature and a cryptic past.

Audition is one of those movies that climaxes in the final ten minutes. Asami realizes that her new man isn't as devoted as she'd hoped he'd be and decides to punish him by delicately torturing the living hell out of him. It's a hard scene to take in, and I find it immensely more disturbing to watch than a film like Hostel, because the scene is more personal and Asami sells her psychosis so well. As she "gently, gently" dissects this good-natured man.






9: Funny Games (U.S. Edition)



Speaking of torture here's a whole hour and a half of it. Micheal Haneke's shot for shot English language re-make of his own Austrian movie is a mentally exhausting ride. Anything more unapologetic than this movie is basically a snuff film. Haneke pretty much takes the slasher film and throws out all of the rules by introducing us to the killers from the very beginning and robbing the victims of any chance of survival.

This movie is psychological torture, from the start of the insanity, the killers make a bet with this poor upscale family will be dead by morning and through a series of "games" prove that there is no chance for any of them. Haneke burns the kid gloves with both of his films by incorporating what is generally a no-no in horror films, and that is putting kids in danger and making them as accountable for being killed along with the adults.

This is what makes Funny Games a tough watch. In one particular scene the boy manages to escape and for what seems like eternity, we watch him attempt to hide from his pursuers, only to be caught yet again. I'm fairly desensitized to horror-fare, but I practically had my hands over my eyes the entire scene.

The ultimate message of this film feels like a giant spit in the face to a violence obsessed culture. People hate this movie, and rightfully so, but what's the difference concerning this movie and a movie like Saw or Friday the 13th?





8: The Passion of the Christ


Still going strong with the torture theme, we have Mel Gibson's prophecy...er...directorial depiction of the death of Jesus Christ. All in all I won't knock Gibson for a solid film, but where is the replay value in a movie like this?

Re-reading the the crucificition over and over again in the Bible is one thing, but watching it transpire on film does nothing but leave a pit in your stomach. Granted I'm sure flocks of preachers just love to use this film as the gateway to guilt-trip lane but for me, once was enough.






7: Requiem For a Dream


With maybe an exception to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" never has there been a film that captured the hardships of drug culture than Darren Aronofsky's junkie-fest. We start under the umbrella of hope as we watch these four characters use drugs to their benefit, be it money or fame. But as time goes by, and increased addiction sets in, we watch each character travel down their respective paths of outlandish destruction, culminating in a final act of mind bending anthologies.

Jared Leto contracts a lesion of doom, causing him to be one appendage short. Marlon Wayans finds himself surrounded by a prison population that doesn't take too kindly to the color of his skin. Ellen Burstyn pops one diet pill too many and winds up at the business end of shock pads. And of course, in the most infamous of scenes, Jennifer Connelly finds herself center stage with another drugged out woman performing acts of perversion for salivating old farts.

It's all one giant punch in the stomach and should serve as a true lesson in promoting a drug free America.




6: Elephant

Balls...That's what it takes to make a movie like this. Grapefruit-sized, brass balls. Gus Van Sant happened to have a pair handy when he made this movie and what occur ed is a truly nightmarish, yet beautiful film that should be seen and then carved out of your mind.

In an era where high school students are more likely to be gunned down than a gang member in Compton. Van Sant decided to take the plunge and stage a Columbine-esque massacre on celluloid for all to see. Using completely unknown and completely inexperienced high-school students for his cast, Van Sant mercilessly lets loose a horrifying fifteen minute sequence that pulls no punches.

Like many of these films, the pain comes in a small dose, which is preceded by a fairly tame and mundane story. Elephant is the poster child for that, it literally follows a number of students for a day before the chaos begins. It's a chore to watch, but it really hits the scenario home.





5-1 Coming Soon!!!

Random Film of the Week: Red Dawn

At the helm: John Milius
The players: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey
The year: 1984

Ah, the 80's. They were a simpler time. A time where cell phones weighed more than a brick. A time where music quality was based on how many boops and beeps there were in the chorus. And of course a time when them commies were still gunning for our glorious, excessive way of life.

There was always a concern in the times of the iron curtain, where we Americans feared a full-on Communist takeover. What could we do to defend ourselves from the scourge of the Reds. If only there were some kind of instructional film, no, inspirational rally call the likes of the all to important "duck and cover" films of the 50's.

Well, John Milius gave us such a film, and not a moment too soon, because we all know the 80's was the high point of the Soviet Union, and who knew when they were going to strike.

Red Dawn is the Breakfast Club of war films. Of course the Breakfast Club wasn't released yet so I guess you could say the Breakfast Club was the Red Dawn of teenage angst movies, but I digress. Red Dawn teaches us that the good 'ole youth of America has the power to lay down a can of whoop ass on an invading communist force.

The film opens with Russian paratroopers touching down on the soil of a high school football field in Colorado. The vicious commies immediately kill the one and only black guy in the whole movie, and begin shooting up the high school. A scenario I doubt we'll ever see again.

A group of youths loot a local gun store and seek shelter in the mountains where they wait until the firing stops. After some angsty moments a few of the boys venture back into town to see what has transpired and the sight is ghastly. This fair Colorado town has become mini-Russia, complete with "friendship" centers, barbed wire, and propaganda theaters. Oh what those Ruskies can do in a month.

After a brutally sentimental heart to heart with their captured father the boys return to the mountains to pursue a promise they made to "AVENGE HIM!!!"

What follows is a number of highly coordinated guerrilla tactics carried out by about 7 teenagers against a massive communist coalition which, judging from the casualties inflicted on them, is amazing that they found the U.S. on a map. These teenagers fight under the moniker of the "Wolverines", always taking the time to carefully inscribe there insignia on just about anything amazingly without ever being seen.

The 80's dystopian world is a glimpse of a world that could be, a world where a seventeen year old class president can wipe out a platoon of trained soldiers. It gives me hope to watch this film as I chant aloud. America! Fuck Yeah!

I leave you with a scene showing how we can become more of a man by injesting the blood of what we kill. Enjoy!