Listed: 10 Movies Worth Seeing and Worth Never Seeing Again

10: Audition:


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially if that woman has a knack for torture and dismemberment. Yes Takeshi Miike's ode to deranged beauties is an odd mix of romance, surrealism, and shear brutality. Consider this film the Jaws of date movies, because underneath the facade of a gorgeous face, there could be an attention whoring homicidal maniac lurking.

The movie has two acts. We begin with a widower craving the affection of a good woman and the compassion of a good mother for his son. His friend, a movie producer, hatches a scheme to hold a pseudo-fake audition for a film to hook him up with a lovely lady. The woman he picks is a quiet ballet dance, Asami, who has a clingy nature and a cryptic past.

Audition is one of those movies that climaxes in the final ten minutes. Asami realizes that her new man isn't as devoted as she'd hoped he'd be and decides to punish him by delicately torturing the living hell out of him. It's a hard scene to take in, and I find it immensely more disturbing to watch than a film like Hostel, because the scene is more personal and Asami sells her psychosis so well. As she "gently, gently" dissects this good-natured man.






9: Funny Games (U.S. Edition)



Speaking of torture here's a whole hour and a half of it. Micheal Haneke's shot for shot English language re-make of his own Austrian movie is a mentally exhausting ride. Anything more unapologetic than this movie is basically a snuff film. Haneke pretty much takes the slasher film and throws out all of the rules by introducing us to the killers from the very beginning and robbing the victims of any chance of survival.

This movie is psychological torture, from the start of the insanity, the killers make a bet with this poor upscale family will be dead by morning and through a series of "games" prove that there is no chance for any of them. Haneke burns the kid gloves with both of his films by incorporating what is generally a no-no in horror films, and that is putting kids in danger and making them as accountable for being killed along with the adults.

This is what makes Funny Games a tough watch. In one particular scene the boy manages to escape and for what seems like eternity, we watch him attempt to hide from his pursuers, only to be caught yet again. I'm fairly desensitized to horror-fare, but I practically had my hands over my eyes the entire scene.

The ultimate message of this film feels like a giant spit in the face to a violence obsessed culture. People hate this movie, and rightfully so, but what's the difference concerning this movie and a movie like Saw or Friday the 13th?





8: The Passion of the Christ


Still going strong with the torture theme, we have Mel Gibson's prophecy...er...directorial depiction of the death of Jesus Christ. All in all I won't knock Gibson for a solid film, but where is the replay value in a movie like this?

Re-reading the the crucificition over and over again in the Bible is one thing, but watching it transpire on film does nothing but leave a pit in your stomach. Granted I'm sure flocks of preachers just love to use this film as the gateway to guilt-trip lane but for me, once was enough.






7: Requiem For a Dream


With maybe an exception to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" never has there been a film that captured the hardships of drug culture than Darren Aronofsky's junkie-fest. We start under the umbrella of hope as we watch these four characters use drugs to their benefit, be it money or fame. But as time goes by, and increased addiction sets in, we watch each character travel down their respective paths of outlandish destruction, culminating in a final act of mind bending anthologies.

Jared Leto contracts a lesion of doom, causing him to be one appendage short. Marlon Wayans finds himself surrounded by a prison population that doesn't take too kindly to the color of his skin. Ellen Burstyn pops one diet pill too many and winds up at the business end of shock pads. And of course, in the most infamous of scenes, Jennifer Connelly finds herself center stage with another drugged out woman performing acts of perversion for salivating old farts.

It's all one giant punch in the stomach and should serve as a true lesson in promoting a drug free America.




6: Elephant

Balls...That's what it takes to make a movie like this. Grapefruit-sized, brass balls. Gus Van Sant happened to have a pair handy when he made this movie and what occur ed is a truly nightmarish, yet beautiful film that should be seen and then carved out of your mind.

In an era where high school students are more likely to be gunned down than a gang member in Compton. Van Sant decided to take the plunge and stage a Columbine-esque massacre on celluloid for all to see. Using completely unknown and completely inexperienced high-school students for his cast, Van Sant mercilessly lets loose a horrifying fifteen minute sequence that pulls no punches.

Like many of these films, the pain comes in a small dose, which is preceded by a fairly tame and mundane story. Elephant is the poster child for that, it literally follows a number of students for a day before the chaos begins. It's a chore to watch, but it really hits the scenario home.





5-1 Coming Soon!!!

Random Film of the Week: Red Dawn

At the helm: John Milius
The players: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey
The year: 1984

Ah, the 80's. They were a simpler time. A time where cell phones weighed more than a brick. A time where music quality was based on how many boops and beeps there were in the chorus. And of course a time when them commies were still gunning for our glorious, excessive way of life.

There was always a concern in the times of the iron curtain, where we Americans feared a full-on Communist takeover. What could we do to defend ourselves from the scourge of the Reds. If only there were some kind of instructional film, no, inspirational rally call the likes of the all to important "duck and cover" films of the 50's.

Well, John Milius gave us such a film, and not a moment too soon, because we all know the 80's was the high point of the Soviet Union, and who knew when they were going to strike.

Red Dawn is the Breakfast Club of war films. Of course the Breakfast Club wasn't released yet so I guess you could say the Breakfast Club was the Red Dawn of teenage angst movies, but I digress. Red Dawn teaches us that the good 'ole youth of America has the power to lay down a can of whoop ass on an invading communist force.

The film opens with Russian paratroopers touching down on the soil of a high school football field in Colorado. The vicious commies immediately kill the one and only black guy in the whole movie, and begin shooting up the high school. A scenario I doubt we'll ever see again.

A group of youths loot a local gun store and seek shelter in the mountains where they wait until the firing stops. After some angsty moments a few of the boys venture back into town to see what has transpired and the sight is ghastly. This fair Colorado town has become mini-Russia, complete with "friendship" centers, barbed wire, and propaganda theaters. Oh what those Ruskies can do in a month.

After a brutally sentimental heart to heart with their captured father the boys return to the mountains to pursue a promise they made to "AVENGE HIM!!!"

What follows is a number of highly coordinated guerrilla tactics carried out by about 7 teenagers against a massive communist coalition which, judging from the casualties inflicted on them, is amazing that they found the U.S. on a map. These teenagers fight under the moniker of the "Wolverines", always taking the time to carefully inscribe there insignia on just about anything amazingly without ever being seen.

The 80's dystopian world is a glimpse of a world that could be, a world where a seventeen year old class president can wipe out a platoon of trained soldiers. It gives me hope to watch this film as I chant aloud. America! Fuck Yeah!

I leave you with a scene showing how we can become more of a man by injesting the blood of what we kill. Enjoy!

Trailer Park: 2-14-09

Inglorious Basterds





HELL YES!!! It is about damn time this film got on track. I've been eagerly anticipating this film ever since Quentin Tarantino mentioned the idea of it who knows how many years ago. This looks to be the type of war film we've never seen before. Exploitive, brutal, possibly chock full with classic Tarantino dark humor. Brad Pitt looks damn perfect for the lead role and that last line, "and I want my scalps." makes me giggle like a little girl. I'm lovin what I'm seeing so far.

The Taking of Pelham 123





I will say one thing, John Travolta looks mean a hell in this movie. Overall it looks like a fairly generic action/thriller from Tony Scott. But Tony Scott does those pretty well so I'll have faith in this one, especially with Denzel on the lead. Man on Fire is one of my favorite movies so automatic points for including him in another film. Travolta seems to have found a part that finally suits him well, though the whole negotiation over the radio schtik is a little played out.


Dragonball: Evolution





If there is one genre that no live film adaptation should ever touch, it's anime. The shear lunacy of it should only be contained in the pages of palm-sized books in the back of your local book store or on the small screen on some low-rate cable channel. The people behind this film look like they didn't get that memo, and now we have what looks to be a very embarassing hour and a half. I weep for Chow Yun Fat, who was once my action film god, but is now reduced to this idiocy. The FX look cheap, and the "martial arts" look lazy and goofy. This film looks like shit and a half.

This is where activism has taken us?

Militant activism has changed regimes, shaped countries and awarded rights to those unable to attain them without the use of force. There are just causes worth fighting for; freedom, equality, love, and whales...wait what?

Yes, just when you thought it didn't get any more radical than Greenpeace, we have the members of Sea Shepherd Conservation. A rag tag team of pirate hippies hellbent on stopping the killing of innocent whales, even if it means killing human beings in the process.

Led by Paul Watson who is quote "rewarded by the friendship with many members of different species" of the ocean. The group maintains the cause of being a thorn in the side of Japanese whaling vessels in the Antarctic seas.

Now before I get too ahead of myself, let me say that I don't advocate whaling one bit. I'm not put under the illusion that the Japanese are using loopholes in international law to legally harvest whales in the name of "research". They kill upwards of 400 whales in a year, how much could they possibly need to research.


However, what they are doing is legal under the precedents of international law and is a contributing market to the Japanese economy. What members of Sea Shepard are doing is completely illegal and is borderline piracy. The Japanese are well within their rights to defend themselves when ignorant bleeding-hearts throw explosive devices with chemicals, board their ships to destroy equipment, and even do crap like this:




My sympathy isn't simply reserved for the Japanese though, I have the most sympathy for the young gullible activists that Watson and his cronies recruit. These people's lives are at risk at the hands of an idiot crew that, judging from videos I've watched, have no clue how to manage a ship. Most of this evidence can be seen in a completely objective show on Animal Planet called Whale Wars. Despite the show obviously being a tool for propaganda, there is plenty to see documenting the incompetence of these people.

In one episode, while practicing one of their "attacks", they accidentally flip a zodiac boat while launching it from a crane. On the boat were five people, and judging by the span of time in the show, it took about 20 minutes for them to figure out how to pull them out of the well below freezing waters.

There are prominent equipment malfunctions and glitches, along with the general risk of injury and death to crew when they engage the Japanese, even going so far as boarding the whaling ships and encountering them personally. But not Watson of course. He stays comfortably in the bridge of the ship while the college kids he brainwashes do all the dirty work.

In an age of genocide, sex-slavery and general inequality, this is where so much money is being put to wage war? Large rubber cylinders with fins? I think whales are majestic creatures, but I would much rather see someone using militant means to rescue young girls in Thailand that are sold on markets and raped repeatedly for the pleasure of perverted businessmen.

Sources: Sea Shepherd Website

Movie Review: Push

The Good:
Acting: Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning interact with each other well.
Action: For a lower-budget film there's a few great scenes of chaos.

The Bad:
Story: A bit too convoluted.
Characters: Dakota Fanning's character isn't exactly age-appropriate for her.



The Plot:
A telekinetic gambling addict (Chris Evans) in China meets up with a clairvoyant teenager (Dakota Fanning) who tells him that they have to find a girl that escaped from a government lab before special agents with their own abilities do.

In a world of non-stop superhero flicks there eventually comes a time where we just get sick of men and women in tights...OK maybe not women so much but my point is that writers are beginning to embrace storylines about humans with abilities instead of heroes with powers.

On television we have Heroes, but the problem is that show began spinning out of control at around the first season with so many characters and so many arcs. Hell it got so out of control that they simply wrote some characters out without any clue as to what happened to them.

Tackling the film world with this concept is Push, A film along the lines of Heroes, but delivered in a somewhat better package. Push has shining moments in terms of its characters and action, but it's not without its flaws.

The film has some qualities about it that make it a fun and entertaining watch. The fights using telekinesis are great, one in particular where Evans and a rival "mover" trade bullets from guns they are floating around the room with their minds. That's right, they have a telekinetic gunfight. The final climax where different abilities are flying left and right is also pretty exciting.

The chemistry between Fanning and Evans (and by chemistry I mean brother-sister since Fanning is barely a teenager) is genuine. Evans has got a lot of charisma that's carried over in a lot of his films. Let's face it, he was about the only good thing about the Fantastic 4 movies. Fanning, if she keeps the coke out of her nose, has got a promising career because she is a superb actress. Though this role is not as precocious and cutesy as her past roles, she steps up to the challenge excellently.

However, one thing that wasn't sitting right with me throughout the movie was how much they were seemingly trying to paint a sexy image on Fanning in terms of her personality and wardrobe. Her dirty mouth and hooker boots/mini-skirt ensemble really gave me a creepy vibe from the film makers, especially with certain camera angles. I'm not trying to be a prude, but she's still a kid and people need to take responsibility for that.

The biggest flaw with Push is its story. As said before, Heroes suffers from having too many eggs in one basket. Push treads on thin ice with that department. While there aren't as many characters to juggle, they've taken what could have been a fairly straightforward plot and jumbled it all up, adding in a gang of Chinese Triads with their own abilities and changing potential futures that just over complicate things. Why so many films rely on the gimmicks of twists and turns is beyond me, I miss exciting straight and narrow storytelling.

Not to focus too much on the negative though, I will say that Push has its moments that really make it an entertaining ride. It's nothing substantial to the sci-fi genre, but it makes for enjoyable fare.

Grade: B-

Random Film of the Week: The Mist

At the helm: Frank Darabont
The players: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, Andre Braugher, Toby Jones
The year: 2007

Do you like Dawn of the Dead but found that the atmosphere wasn't quite misty enough? In addition, did you wish that the lumbering undead were replaced with otherworldly insects and crustaceans bigger than houses? Well then do I have a film for you!

Frank Darabont's adaptation of the Stephen King horror novella is an exercise in doom narrative. The lonely band of survivors riding out a supernatural disaster are going to meet their end, but when and by what means is entirely unclear. It's also a glimpse into the nature of true evil in dire circumstances and whether or not it rests in the hands of the attacking creatures acting merely according to their nature, or whether humanity is its own worst enemy.

The movie starts out with a thunderstorm that tears through a small town in Maine. After riding out the storm the townspeople, including our main character (Jane) and his young son, head for the local supermarket to stock up on supplies. However, a strange mist envelops the town and convinces the market shoppers to stay inside as they hear the dying screams of pedestrians from a force that they can't yet see.

The Mist begins on a level of B-Horror that I really came to enjoy. Giant tentacles slither their way through an open garage door and snatch the bag boy, tearing him pieces. Giant bugs and bat-things crash through the plate glass windows wreaking havoc. Large spiders with acid webbing cocoon victims and use them as hosts for their spawn. It's messy, disturbing and highly entertaining horror-fare.

However the movie shifts to a more educated perspective as the ravings of a fire-and-brimstone evangelist (Harden) begin to draw the line between saint and sinner, viewing the town's predicament as the end of days. This is where the movie becomes the most intense and it's where it really draws you in. Harden plays the vile character so well that you begin to root for not only her demise, but for anyone else moronic enough to follow her, despite the fact that they are only looking for the best means of survival. Soon it isn't the creatures outside that the rational heroes need to fear, but the madness inside willing to sacrifice them to appease God.

One thing to take from this movie is that being a hero sucks. With maybe an exception or two, throughout this movie, anyone willing to take a step up for the sake of their fellow man meets with a gruesome end. Any heroic deed has bitter consequences that far outweigh the benefits and as more time passes through the movie, it would seem that being a gullible sheep is the best bet for survival.

Which brings us to the ending. We've seen unhappy endings before, but the ending of this movie is such a buzzkill that it risks coming off funny if it wasn't so damn depressing. The ending is hard to justify as good, but it definitely warrants applause for the film makers courage to use it. Like I said before, this movie hates heroes.

Trailer Park: 2-1-09: Superbowl Edition

Every now and again I'll round up a few new trailers for upcoming movies and judge them harshly at face value completely unobjectively. In this instance, a few TV spots aired during the Superbowl.

G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra




So we have a sexy leather-clad Sienna Miller who looks to be playing the Baroness character, moss destroying the Eifell Tower, bounding/leaping super-soldiers, and ninjas. Did someone steal my list of ingredients for the perfect kick-ass movie?

To be serious, the movie looks about as over-the-top as I expected. Why practically every character in the movie seems to have a leather body-suit fetish, I don't know but that's niether here nor there. Stephen Sommers does goofy action well (see the Mummy movies) and this movie looks plenty goofy. Could be just the popcorn action flick we need this summer.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen




Looks like Micheal Bay is ready to deliver another hour and a half of noise, with this sequel to his 2007 piece of crap. I'm sorry but aside from how great the FX were, the first Transformers was embarassing. One good thing that I can judge from this trailer is that Bay has finally learned the glory of the steady-cam instead of tying a camera to the end of a rope and swinging it around and around while trying to film something. Also it has Megan Fox, which is automatic points.

Land of the Lost



It looks like Will Ferrel has dumped the goofy man-child character schtik and went for a basic comedic/action role. The movie looks harmless and in the range of something like the recent Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film, which I really enjoyed despite the negative concensus. The FX do look a little tacky though especially that last shot with the T-Rex behind Ferrell. Here's hoping they clean it up a little.

Movie Review: Taken

The Good:
Characters: Liam Neeson proves himself to be a capable action hero.
Writing: For the most part, is pretty generic, but the scene involving Neeson on the phone with the villain is excellent.

The Bad:
Music: There seems to be a Jason Bourne borrowing here and it plays out sometimes in the music
Acting: As bad ass as he is in this movie, I've never particularly liked Neeson with an American dialect. Other parts are a little too exaggerated in their personalities.


The Plot:
Neeson is a retired operative for the United States Government who is trying to work things out with the family he lost for the sake of his job. When his ex-wife, now married to a wealthy man, comes to him with a proposition of letting their 17-year-old daughter go to Paris with a friend, he is reluctant at first but allows her to go anyway. Eventually his daughter is kidnapped by Albanian sex traffickers and Neeson must use his "particular set of skills" to save his daughter's life, before it's too late.


On the surface, Taken looks pretty generic in terms of action flicks, but when I found Luc Besson's name attached to the script, my interest grew. Taken is generic, but it's the good kind of generic, the kind of generic that's enjoyable.

First and foremost, the biggest surprise of the movie is how great an action hero Liam Neeson is, you'd think someone specializing in period dramas couldn't hold up to gunfights and fisticuffs, but you'd be wrong. Neeson with his stone face and raspy voice brings an aged face to the action/spy genre. I wish they would have worked his natural Irish accent somewhere into the story though, because an American dialect has never seemed to fit him well, but I guess that's just nitpicking.

The story is nothing to rave about, but they go about it in clever ways that don't make it too cookie-cutter. The scene in which Neeson's daughter is kidnapped is superb as he instructs her on what needs to be done, even knowing that the end result will be her getting snatched. The threat he delivers afterward to the criminal on the phone always manages to send chills up my spine. I also like how they handle Neeson's character in general. He's unapologetic, when he wants something, he gets it no matter what. It doesn't matter how illegal or immoral the deed is.

The action itself isn't so over the top that it's unbelievable, but it really feels like the director approached the choreographer and said, "You know those Bourne movies? Yeah, like that." The frantic fist fights and even the scoring, scream of Jason Bourne. Now this isn't certainly a negative, since the scenes are quite exciting anyway and there really isn't a Bourne style of action, but the vibe really hit me that they were in some way trying to emulate the far superior Bourne trilogy.

In regards to the supporting actors, mainly Famke Janssen and Maggie Grace, they really seemed to swing for the fences in the portrayal of Neeson's ex-wife and daughter respectively. Janssen is just a little too dense and vindictive and Grace is far too bubbly and pure for me to really care for them like I did Neeson's character.

Overall though, Taken is a surprise hit for me in terms of an early year release that is usually filled with duds. It's no Bond or Bourne and I don't foresee any sequels, but it has its moments of greatness to make it a solid action film.

Grade: B

$206 Million to make us laugh, cringe, or confused.

In a recent article (http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/28951579/) NBC has revealed that it has brought in a record 206 million dollars in ad revenue for a three hour super bowl game. And none of that came from a government bailout surprise, surprise.

Who says our economy sucks, with marketing firms willing to throw away that much money, we have yet to see what a sucky economy looks like.

So, let's speculate as to what we'll see for that dinero:

Miller High Life: A hefty black man will yell random things at us for one second incriments.

Budweiser: Can't say for sure, but it will probably involve doing something embarassing in front of a woman, getting hit in the nuts, a totally sweet dude invention, or hell, they could swing for the fences and do one that features all of that.

Movie Spots: Slow buildup...scary music...CRASH, BOOM, KAPOW, ("run" or "we can handle this" or "aw hell no"), POW POW POW...cool rock or rap music...title.

PSA's: They will tell us drugs and smoking are bad in really stupid ways that only make me want to do drugs and smoke to spite them.

Fed-EX: Funny scenarios about delivering packages, I mean like totally funny.

Pepsi: After hack celebrities get done patting themselves on the back for single-handedly getting Obama into office, they will then try to be funny all the while convincing us to drink Pepsi.

CHA-CHING!!!