Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

Starring:

Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Bryce Dallas Howard, Anton Yelchin, Moon Bloodgood

The Plot:

After three stabs at homicide via time travel, the machines go toe to toe with John Conner in the ruins of judgement day. Conner, brandishing a new method of killing robots at his disposal, aims to finish the war once and for all, but he doesn't plan on meeting a new kind of Terminator that may change both the past and the future.

My Two Cents:

When one leaves the theater having watched a film, the first question that comes across one's mind should not be "What in the hell was the point of that movie?". Yes it's generally not a good thing when a film leaves me baffled as to its purpose, but Terminator Salvation makes easy work of it.

First off, it's not that the flick is a bad movie, ok it kind of is, but it has explosions and stuff so it's kind of watchable. The problem is that there is no reason for any of it. In the realm of unnecessary sequels, this is the poster child.

The first three Terminator films had a clear villain. The villain of this installment is about as vague as a blind person giving a physical description. Sure Skynet is what needs to be destroyed, but there really is no face to it, the only real villains are different types of killing machines that get trading card type descriptions from characters when they can take a breath from the action.

Another thing about the movie is that for a mythology surrounding John Conner, this film sure didn't seem to preoccupied with making him a dominant part of the film. What we get instead is Marcus Wright, a death row inmate turned robotic humanoid that joins Conner's future father and a mute 10 year old in search of other survivors. Aside from Wright the movie really has no focus on other characters, even Conner, which leads me to not give a rat's ass for any of them, which ultimately leads to not give a rat's ass about what is happening in the movie aside from the kabooms and kapows filling the screen.

As for the ending, well lets just say that the ending is about a ho-hum as it can get. There's no tension, there's no excitement and most importantly, there is nothing to take from it besides a sure bet that there is going to be yet another pointless sequel that logically judging from the film's universe, will do nothing but start the entire franchise over again, since it all begins with sending someone back in time to save John Conner's mother.

The worst thing about the ending is that it is the equivalent of a frat boy telling a beautiful girl that he is going to be screwing her after only saying hello to her for the first time. The ending is so open ended that it's basically saying "Yeah, you like what you see, you know you do and there's gonna be more where that came from." It's one thing when a franchise, such as Lord of the Rings, ends openly because all the films were made at the same time. It's another thing when a filmmaker is so pretentious that he just assumes we are going to drown ourselves in the mess he's created and then expects us to go back for seconds.

Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan united to breathe new life into the Batman franchise. Christian Bale and "McG" have united to ter...termin...ah hell with it, terminate this franchise.

Grade: D

Movie Review: Star Trek

Starring:

Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, Eric Bana, Leonard Nimoy

The Plot:

A look at the origin of the famous crew of the USS Enterprise in a new take on the classic series.

My Two Cents:

If Star Trek, Beverly Hills 90210, and Michael Bay had a drunken night of debauchery, and JJ Abrams were to take their mutant offspring and craft it into a upstanding and well-spoken piece of work, then that's pretty much what this latest iteration of the Trek is.

Abrams' Star Trek isn't just a sequel, prequel or even a remake. He stripped this junker of its old rusty dull parts and fitted it with shiny new parts that make men drool and ladies swoon. He took this once plodding series loved by some and made it available to all.

This is the breath of fresh air Star Trek needed to keep its legacy relevant. Abrams was brave enough to broaden the demographic allowing the most brutish and manly of men to openly come out of the Trekkie closet, and what's even better is that he didn't have to spit in the faces of fanboys to do it.

What's different with this installment is obviously the action and visuals. Gone are the aspirations of peace and exploration and in their stead are phasers, lasers and explosion...asers. The special effects are eye-popping and on par with the likes of Star Wars. (Yes I just went there!) But amidst this fresh coat of ass-kicking paint, Abrams still hands out so much for fanboys to salivate over and most of this comes in the casting.

The Enterprise crew is brilliantly casted, giving fans of the original series peace of mind that the heart of their beloved series still exists. Chris Pine (honestly the best thing in Smokin' Aces) makes for a great Kirk mixing bravado and slapstick seamlessly. Zoe Saldana brings a new level of hotness to Uhura and also a personality. Zachary Quinto is pretty much born to play a modern-day Spock and the rest of the supporting crew fits perfectly dropping their respective quotes when their time comes to make fans wet themselves with glee.

In addition, the inclusion of Leonard Nimoy as an integral part of the story also exists as great fan treatment and I admire Abrams commitment to story by not overdoing it with cheesy cameos from every other former cast member. It's good to see that a filmmaker cares about the story and not senseless pandering.

Though the plot itself breaks one of my rules of sci-fi, which is involving time travel, it's exciting and most importantly accessible.(Say it with me Trekkies...accessible) You don't have to be a nerd to love this film and fanboys don't have to feel that the series has sold out. So come together nerds and normals, and bask in the greatness of Abrams energized version of a classic.

Grade: B+

Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Ryan Reynolds

The Plot: The origin (hence the title) of the popular X-Man, Wolverine as he becomes the indestructible menace fighting alongside other mutants to stop a mad military scientist and his own brother Sabretooth.

My two cents: In the first two films of the X-Men franchise, Brian Singer made story and character the highlight of the film. Sure, when it comes to a film about the X-Men, setting aside time for each hero to use their power seems mandatory, but Singer never overdid it. He made films about the X-Men, not about their powers.

Brett Ratner on the other hand did the exact opposite and crammed as many different characters on film as he could to have a spectacle take place, leaving limited time for a plot and characters, even the important ones. What resulted was what I assumed to be the death of the X-Men franchise.

But lo and behold I was wrong when someone decided that biopics needed to be made about specific characters. With X-Men Origins being apart of the title, its safe to assume that after the probable success of Wolverine, there will be more films focusing on other characters. (Can't wait for a film about the kid that changes TV channels with his mind!)

Unfortunately Gavin Hood didn't quite learn from Ratners mistakes and took a film about one character and introduced a bunch of others leaving our clawed hero on the sidelines for portions of the film. Once again time is set aside for every different character to have their little moment to show off and then, for the most part, they are done. It's really a shame because there are some great characters that deserve their own story arcs but probably won't get such treatment, such as fan favorites, Gambit and Deadpool.

Wolverine, as a film, plays out like a video game. About every 15 minutes or so, you have a boss fight with a unique character for very vague reasons, culminating in the final boss fight with the mega mutant. The fights aren't really that spectacular and they are over fairly quick, due to the fact that more powers need to be crammed into the movie.

There is a facsimile of a story that exists underneath all the noise but it's fairly anticlimactic. The ending is about as ho-hum as it gets and leaves me thinking that none of these Origins stories will have satisfying conclusions. What really hurts the story the most is that they are trying to tie it into the universe that Singer has created, rather than starting from scratch and making something that holds itself on its own two legs. I already know what's going to happen, so give me something I don't expect.

Wolverine is a good popcorn flick. There are plenty of explosions and bright lights to stimulate the senses, but for the most part it's claws were a little dull. (And the award for cheesy pun goes to...)

Grade: C-

Movie Review: Crank 2 High Voltage

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Efran Ramirez and Dwight Yoakam

The Plot:

Chev Chelios just can't catch a break. After keeping the adrenaline in his ticker pumping, he now has to work to get said heart back in his chest after Chinese Triads stole it and replaced with an artificial one. The only problem is that he has to keep himself electrically charged during the process, thus unleashing another hour-and-a-half of mayhem on the streets of Los Angeles.

My Two Cents:

Many an eyebrow were raised after it was announced that there would be a sequel to Crank. After watching the protagonist plummet thousands of feet and plaster himself on solid concrete you would have thought that pretty much sealed the deal for a permanent conclusion. Ah but we just couldn't count Hollywood out on capitalizing on the moderate success the first installment wagered.

So Jason Statham is back reprising his role, pretty much starting off where the last flick ended. Chinese gangsters swoop in and literally scoop up Chelios off the pavement and load him into a van to have his mighty organs harvested for an ailing Triad leader. Now, I know you are saying to yourself, "That's just crazy!" and I will respond, "That's just the first five minutes."

What transpires until the end credits of the film is nothing short of batshit insanity. The first Crank played around with the idea of creating a live action Loony Tunes for adults. Crazy camera angles, odd transitions and a rap-sheet of off-the-wall characters. What it did was set the foundation for the outright bizarre and hysterically offbeat nature of its sequel.

First and foremost, the filmmakers take a low-tech originality when it comes to shooting the film. Rather than using high-priced cameras for dramatic wide and expansive shots, they opt for a gritty hand-held camera look for up close and personal filming. The shots are dizzying and a lot more intense which fits the film perfectly.

Crank 2 is also much more confident in being as offensive, filthy and downright disgusting as it wants to be. From gun-toting strippers to walking/talking racist Asian stereotypes to an African-American, homosexual biker-gang. They pretty much cover all their bases in the rules of crudeness. And yes, if you are wondering, there is another public sex scene between Statham and Smart, and let's just say this one is turned up to 11.

The film is an exercise in excess, just when you think this film has pushed the boundaries of insanity, it one ups itself. In the first half of the film, it works. Upon the viewing of this bizarre tangents you say to yourself, "Ha Ha Ha, WTF is that?!" but around the final act, it turns into "Seriously, WTF is that!?"

The movie becomes offbeat for the sake of being offbeat and it really starts to run out of steam, just like Chelios heart. (HA! Nailed it!) One example is the return of another actor who bit the dust in the last film, Efran Ramirez. Except he is not the same character, but his twin brother who is afflicted with full-body tourettes syndrome causing violent convulsions. I mean, what the hell?

Another scene involves a man-in-suit type Godzilla style fight in a power plant that defies any logic. Things like this bring out a few laughs but in the end spawn more rolls of the eyes.

If you like films that push story aside for the sake of brawn, bullets, boobs, and b-...b-...b-...bad-assery,(yeah that'll work) then Crank 2 is right up your alley. I enjoy big dumb action, and while Crank 2 pushes the limits of my tolerance levels, I still found it to be pretty enjoyable fare.

Grade: C+

Listed: 10 Movies Worth Seeing and Worth Never Seeing Again - Part 2

5. 2001 A Space Odyssey


Probably the least violent film on this list but certainly the most mundane, 2001 is a masterpiece, but it is also a film worth only enjoying in once. I'm a Kubrick fan, no doubt, but the slow, plodding, space-like nature of the film makes it a one-time screener.

2001 is a piece of art, and like a piece of art, it can be interpreted in many ways, but upon your first viewing of it there is really no sense in going back to it for something you missed. It's like looking at the Mona Lisa, you see it once, take it in, enjoy its beauty, and then never think to see it ever again.





4. Straw Dogs


Straw Dogs is a tame movie in terms of violence, compared to the others on this list but what makes this movie infamous is its rape scene involving his wife. What makes it worse is the aftermath when it looks as though she enjoyed it, all the while Dustin Hoffman, playing a nerdy mathmatician, has to man up and defend her honor, even though he never stands up for himself.

In end of the film is a Funny Games/Strangers type scenario where Hoffman defends his home against his wife's assailants, diving in to his most brutal nature while his wife still chastises his manhood.



3. United 93

Amid the cires of "Too soon!!! Too Soon!!!', Paul Greengrass wedged his way through the static and crafted a dignified portrait of the fateful flight of United Airlines 93 on September 11th. What transpires is a film very similar to Elephant in terms of its storytelling. There are no known actors in the film and some even played themselves in the roles they took part in during the actual events of September 11th.

The movie is beautiful and simple in its execution, but we all know what happens in the end, and no matter how heroic the deeds of this film, it isn't the type of movie you throw in the player at your next party. It's heart-wrenching and anger-inducing and nothing you want to keep putting yourself through.




2. The Happening

Most of the films on this list are quality films that have tough imagery to take in. The Happening is the exact oppisite of these movies. It is a truly downright awful film that should be seen to be believed, and then put out of memory for eternity. The film teeters on "So bad, it's good" status, but the problem is that it takes itself so seriously. Films like Troll 2 or Army of Darkness are terrible films, but there is so much joy in watching them over and over again.

The insane performances of the actors in the film and the all around reveal and implementation of the villain comes off hysterically funny, but leaves nothing to be desired to watch it again. Not to mention the headache-inducing dialogue. What happened M. Night Shyamalan, and no that wasn't a pun. Here's a gem for you.






1. Natural Born Killers

Granted, Oliver Stone's, drug-induced slap in the face to a media and violence obsessed culture has quite the followingm but I entertain the opinion that this movie hates its audience and wants to rub their noses in all kinds of mess. Natural Born Killers is something to be seen, I won't deny that. The psycadelic visuals and all-around psychotic story-telling is a unique film experience.

But what turns me off to the film is that not one character in the whole movie is likeable. Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis are of course our killers, but the cast of whacky side characters are just as demeneted and disgusting as they are. I just can't get into this movie, and after seeing it once I know it will never grace my eyes with its presence again.

Listed: 10 Movies Worth Seeing and Worth Never Seeing Again

10: Audition:


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially if that woman has a knack for torture and dismemberment. Yes Takeshi Miike's ode to deranged beauties is an odd mix of romance, surrealism, and shear brutality. Consider this film the Jaws of date movies, because underneath the facade of a gorgeous face, there could be an attention whoring homicidal maniac lurking.

The movie has two acts. We begin with a widower craving the affection of a good woman and the compassion of a good mother for his son. His friend, a movie producer, hatches a scheme to hold a pseudo-fake audition for a film to hook him up with a lovely lady. The woman he picks is a quiet ballet dance, Asami, who has a clingy nature and a cryptic past.

Audition is one of those movies that climaxes in the final ten minutes. Asami realizes that her new man isn't as devoted as she'd hoped he'd be and decides to punish him by delicately torturing the living hell out of him. It's a hard scene to take in, and I find it immensely more disturbing to watch than a film like Hostel, because the scene is more personal and Asami sells her psychosis so well. As she "gently, gently" dissects this good-natured man.






9: Funny Games (U.S. Edition)



Speaking of torture here's a whole hour and a half of it. Micheal Haneke's shot for shot English language re-make of his own Austrian movie is a mentally exhausting ride. Anything more unapologetic than this movie is basically a snuff film. Haneke pretty much takes the slasher film and throws out all of the rules by introducing us to the killers from the very beginning and robbing the victims of any chance of survival.

This movie is psychological torture, from the start of the insanity, the killers make a bet with this poor upscale family will be dead by morning and through a series of "games" prove that there is no chance for any of them. Haneke burns the kid gloves with both of his films by incorporating what is generally a no-no in horror films, and that is putting kids in danger and making them as accountable for being killed along with the adults.

This is what makes Funny Games a tough watch. In one particular scene the boy manages to escape and for what seems like eternity, we watch him attempt to hide from his pursuers, only to be caught yet again. I'm fairly desensitized to horror-fare, but I practically had my hands over my eyes the entire scene.

The ultimate message of this film feels like a giant spit in the face to a violence obsessed culture. People hate this movie, and rightfully so, but what's the difference concerning this movie and a movie like Saw or Friday the 13th?





8: The Passion of the Christ


Still going strong with the torture theme, we have Mel Gibson's prophecy...er...directorial depiction of the death of Jesus Christ. All in all I won't knock Gibson for a solid film, but where is the replay value in a movie like this?

Re-reading the the crucificition over and over again in the Bible is one thing, but watching it transpire on film does nothing but leave a pit in your stomach. Granted I'm sure flocks of preachers just love to use this film as the gateway to guilt-trip lane but for me, once was enough.






7: Requiem For a Dream


With maybe an exception to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" never has there been a film that captured the hardships of drug culture than Darren Aronofsky's junkie-fest. We start under the umbrella of hope as we watch these four characters use drugs to their benefit, be it money or fame. But as time goes by, and increased addiction sets in, we watch each character travel down their respective paths of outlandish destruction, culminating in a final act of mind bending anthologies.

Jared Leto contracts a lesion of doom, causing him to be one appendage short. Marlon Wayans finds himself surrounded by a prison population that doesn't take too kindly to the color of his skin. Ellen Burstyn pops one diet pill too many and winds up at the business end of shock pads. And of course, in the most infamous of scenes, Jennifer Connelly finds herself center stage with another drugged out woman performing acts of perversion for salivating old farts.

It's all one giant punch in the stomach and should serve as a true lesson in promoting a drug free America.




6: Elephant

Balls...That's what it takes to make a movie like this. Grapefruit-sized, brass balls. Gus Van Sant happened to have a pair handy when he made this movie and what occur ed is a truly nightmarish, yet beautiful film that should be seen and then carved out of your mind.

In an era where high school students are more likely to be gunned down than a gang member in Compton. Van Sant decided to take the plunge and stage a Columbine-esque massacre on celluloid for all to see. Using completely unknown and completely inexperienced high-school students for his cast, Van Sant mercilessly lets loose a horrifying fifteen minute sequence that pulls no punches.

Like many of these films, the pain comes in a small dose, which is preceded by a fairly tame and mundane story. Elephant is the poster child for that, it literally follows a number of students for a day before the chaos begins. It's a chore to watch, but it really hits the scenario home.





5-1 Coming Soon!!!

Random Film of the Week: Red Dawn

At the helm: John Milius
The players: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey
The year: 1984

Ah, the 80's. They were a simpler time. A time where cell phones weighed more than a brick. A time where music quality was based on how many boops and beeps there were in the chorus. And of course a time when them commies were still gunning for our glorious, excessive way of life.

There was always a concern in the times of the iron curtain, where we Americans feared a full-on Communist takeover. What could we do to defend ourselves from the scourge of the Reds. If only there were some kind of instructional film, no, inspirational rally call the likes of the all to important "duck and cover" films of the 50's.

Well, John Milius gave us such a film, and not a moment too soon, because we all know the 80's was the high point of the Soviet Union, and who knew when they were going to strike.

Red Dawn is the Breakfast Club of war films. Of course the Breakfast Club wasn't released yet so I guess you could say the Breakfast Club was the Red Dawn of teenage angst movies, but I digress. Red Dawn teaches us that the good 'ole youth of America has the power to lay down a can of whoop ass on an invading communist force.

The film opens with Russian paratroopers touching down on the soil of a high school football field in Colorado. The vicious commies immediately kill the one and only black guy in the whole movie, and begin shooting up the high school. A scenario I doubt we'll ever see again.

A group of youths loot a local gun store and seek shelter in the mountains where they wait until the firing stops. After some angsty moments a few of the boys venture back into town to see what has transpired and the sight is ghastly. This fair Colorado town has become mini-Russia, complete with "friendship" centers, barbed wire, and propaganda theaters. Oh what those Ruskies can do in a month.

After a brutally sentimental heart to heart with their captured father the boys return to the mountains to pursue a promise they made to "AVENGE HIM!!!"

What follows is a number of highly coordinated guerrilla tactics carried out by about 7 teenagers against a massive communist coalition which, judging from the casualties inflicted on them, is amazing that they found the U.S. on a map. These teenagers fight under the moniker of the "Wolverines", always taking the time to carefully inscribe there insignia on just about anything amazingly without ever being seen.

The 80's dystopian world is a glimpse of a world that could be, a world where a seventeen year old class president can wipe out a platoon of trained soldiers. It gives me hope to watch this film as I chant aloud. America! Fuck Yeah!

I leave you with a scene showing how we can become more of a man by injesting the blood of what we kill. Enjoy!

Trailer Park: 2-14-09

Inglorious Basterds





HELL YES!!! It is about damn time this film got on track. I've been eagerly anticipating this film ever since Quentin Tarantino mentioned the idea of it who knows how many years ago. This looks to be the type of war film we've never seen before. Exploitive, brutal, possibly chock full with classic Tarantino dark humor. Brad Pitt looks damn perfect for the lead role and that last line, "and I want my scalps." makes me giggle like a little girl. I'm lovin what I'm seeing so far.

The Taking of Pelham 123





I will say one thing, John Travolta looks mean a hell in this movie. Overall it looks like a fairly generic action/thriller from Tony Scott. But Tony Scott does those pretty well so I'll have faith in this one, especially with Denzel on the lead. Man on Fire is one of my favorite movies so automatic points for including him in another film. Travolta seems to have found a part that finally suits him well, though the whole negotiation over the radio schtik is a little played out.


Dragonball: Evolution





If there is one genre that no live film adaptation should ever touch, it's anime. The shear lunacy of it should only be contained in the pages of palm-sized books in the back of your local book store or on the small screen on some low-rate cable channel. The people behind this film look like they didn't get that memo, and now we have what looks to be a very embarassing hour and a half. I weep for Chow Yun Fat, who was once my action film god, but is now reduced to this idiocy. The FX look cheap, and the "martial arts" look lazy and goofy. This film looks like shit and a half.

This is where activism has taken us?

Militant activism has changed regimes, shaped countries and awarded rights to those unable to attain them without the use of force. There are just causes worth fighting for; freedom, equality, love, and whales...wait what?

Yes, just when you thought it didn't get any more radical than Greenpeace, we have the members of Sea Shepherd Conservation. A rag tag team of pirate hippies hellbent on stopping the killing of innocent whales, even if it means killing human beings in the process.

Led by Paul Watson who is quote "rewarded by the friendship with many members of different species" of the ocean. The group maintains the cause of being a thorn in the side of Japanese whaling vessels in the Antarctic seas.

Now before I get too ahead of myself, let me say that I don't advocate whaling one bit. I'm not put under the illusion that the Japanese are using loopholes in international law to legally harvest whales in the name of "research". They kill upwards of 400 whales in a year, how much could they possibly need to research.


However, what they are doing is legal under the precedents of international law and is a contributing market to the Japanese economy. What members of Sea Shepard are doing is completely illegal and is borderline piracy. The Japanese are well within their rights to defend themselves when ignorant bleeding-hearts throw explosive devices with chemicals, board their ships to destroy equipment, and even do crap like this:




My sympathy isn't simply reserved for the Japanese though, I have the most sympathy for the young gullible activists that Watson and his cronies recruit. These people's lives are at risk at the hands of an idiot crew that, judging from videos I've watched, have no clue how to manage a ship. Most of this evidence can be seen in a completely objective show on Animal Planet called Whale Wars. Despite the show obviously being a tool for propaganda, there is plenty to see documenting the incompetence of these people.

In one episode, while practicing one of their "attacks", they accidentally flip a zodiac boat while launching it from a crane. On the boat were five people, and judging by the span of time in the show, it took about 20 minutes for them to figure out how to pull them out of the well below freezing waters.

There are prominent equipment malfunctions and glitches, along with the general risk of injury and death to crew when they engage the Japanese, even going so far as boarding the whaling ships and encountering them personally. But not Watson of course. He stays comfortably in the bridge of the ship while the college kids he brainwashes do all the dirty work.

In an age of genocide, sex-slavery and general inequality, this is where so much money is being put to wage war? Large rubber cylinders with fins? I think whales are majestic creatures, but I would much rather see someone using militant means to rescue young girls in Thailand that are sold on markets and raped repeatedly for the pleasure of perverted businessmen.

Sources: Sea Shepherd Website

Movie Review: Push

The Good:
Acting: Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning interact with each other well.
Action: For a lower-budget film there's a few great scenes of chaos.

The Bad:
Story: A bit too convoluted.
Characters: Dakota Fanning's character isn't exactly age-appropriate for her.



The Plot:
A telekinetic gambling addict (Chris Evans) in China meets up with a clairvoyant teenager (Dakota Fanning) who tells him that they have to find a girl that escaped from a government lab before special agents with their own abilities do.

In a world of non-stop superhero flicks there eventually comes a time where we just get sick of men and women in tights...OK maybe not women so much but my point is that writers are beginning to embrace storylines about humans with abilities instead of heroes with powers.

On television we have Heroes, but the problem is that show began spinning out of control at around the first season with so many characters and so many arcs. Hell it got so out of control that they simply wrote some characters out without any clue as to what happened to them.

Tackling the film world with this concept is Push, A film along the lines of Heroes, but delivered in a somewhat better package. Push has shining moments in terms of its characters and action, but it's not without its flaws.

The film has some qualities about it that make it a fun and entertaining watch. The fights using telekinesis are great, one in particular where Evans and a rival "mover" trade bullets from guns they are floating around the room with their minds. That's right, they have a telekinetic gunfight. The final climax where different abilities are flying left and right is also pretty exciting.

The chemistry between Fanning and Evans (and by chemistry I mean brother-sister since Fanning is barely a teenager) is genuine. Evans has got a lot of charisma that's carried over in a lot of his films. Let's face it, he was about the only good thing about the Fantastic 4 movies. Fanning, if she keeps the coke out of her nose, has got a promising career because she is a superb actress. Though this role is not as precocious and cutesy as her past roles, she steps up to the challenge excellently.

However, one thing that wasn't sitting right with me throughout the movie was how much they were seemingly trying to paint a sexy image on Fanning in terms of her personality and wardrobe. Her dirty mouth and hooker boots/mini-skirt ensemble really gave me a creepy vibe from the film makers, especially with certain camera angles. I'm not trying to be a prude, but she's still a kid and people need to take responsibility for that.

The biggest flaw with Push is its story. As said before, Heroes suffers from having too many eggs in one basket. Push treads on thin ice with that department. While there aren't as many characters to juggle, they've taken what could have been a fairly straightforward plot and jumbled it all up, adding in a gang of Chinese Triads with their own abilities and changing potential futures that just over complicate things. Why so many films rely on the gimmicks of twists and turns is beyond me, I miss exciting straight and narrow storytelling.

Not to focus too much on the negative though, I will say that Push has its moments that really make it an entertaining ride. It's nothing substantial to the sci-fi genre, but it makes for enjoyable fare.

Grade: B-

Random Film of the Week: The Mist

At the helm: Frank Darabont
The players: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, Andre Braugher, Toby Jones
The year: 2007

Do you like Dawn of the Dead but found that the atmosphere wasn't quite misty enough? In addition, did you wish that the lumbering undead were replaced with otherworldly insects and crustaceans bigger than houses? Well then do I have a film for you!

Frank Darabont's adaptation of the Stephen King horror novella is an exercise in doom narrative. The lonely band of survivors riding out a supernatural disaster are going to meet their end, but when and by what means is entirely unclear. It's also a glimpse into the nature of true evil in dire circumstances and whether or not it rests in the hands of the attacking creatures acting merely according to their nature, or whether humanity is its own worst enemy.

The movie starts out with a thunderstorm that tears through a small town in Maine. After riding out the storm the townspeople, including our main character (Jane) and his young son, head for the local supermarket to stock up on supplies. However, a strange mist envelops the town and convinces the market shoppers to stay inside as they hear the dying screams of pedestrians from a force that they can't yet see.

The Mist begins on a level of B-Horror that I really came to enjoy. Giant tentacles slither their way through an open garage door and snatch the bag boy, tearing him pieces. Giant bugs and bat-things crash through the plate glass windows wreaking havoc. Large spiders with acid webbing cocoon victims and use them as hosts for their spawn. It's messy, disturbing and highly entertaining horror-fare.

However the movie shifts to a more educated perspective as the ravings of a fire-and-brimstone evangelist (Harden) begin to draw the line between saint and sinner, viewing the town's predicament as the end of days. This is where the movie becomes the most intense and it's where it really draws you in. Harden plays the vile character so well that you begin to root for not only her demise, but for anyone else moronic enough to follow her, despite the fact that they are only looking for the best means of survival. Soon it isn't the creatures outside that the rational heroes need to fear, but the madness inside willing to sacrifice them to appease God.

One thing to take from this movie is that being a hero sucks. With maybe an exception or two, throughout this movie, anyone willing to take a step up for the sake of their fellow man meets with a gruesome end. Any heroic deed has bitter consequences that far outweigh the benefits and as more time passes through the movie, it would seem that being a gullible sheep is the best bet for survival.

Which brings us to the ending. We've seen unhappy endings before, but the ending of this movie is such a buzzkill that it risks coming off funny if it wasn't so damn depressing. The ending is hard to justify as good, but it definitely warrants applause for the film makers courage to use it. Like I said before, this movie hates heroes.

Trailer Park: 2-1-09: Superbowl Edition

Every now and again I'll round up a few new trailers for upcoming movies and judge them harshly at face value completely unobjectively. In this instance, a few TV spots aired during the Superbowl.

G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra




So we have a sexy leather-clad Sienna Miller who looks to be playing the Baroness character, moss destroying the Eifell Tower, bounding/leaping super-soldiers, and ninjas. Did someone steal my list of ingredients for the perfect kick-ass movie?

To be serious, the movie looks about as over-the-top as I expected. Why practically every character in the movie seems to have a leather body-suit fetish, I don't know but that's niether here nor there. Stephen Sommers does goofy action well (see the Mummy movies) and this movie looks plenty goofy. Could be just the popcorn action flick we need this summer.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen




Looks like Micheal Bay is ready to deliver another hour and a half of noise, with this sequel to his 2007 piece of crap. I'm sorry but aside from how great the FX were, the first Transformers was embarassing. One good thing that I can judge from this trailer is that Bay has finally learned the glory of the steady-cam instead of tying a camera to the end of a rope and swinging it around and around while trying to film something. Also it has Megan Fox, which is automatic points.

Land of the Lost



It looks like Will Ferrel has dumped the goofy man-child character schtik and went for a basic comedic/action role. The movie looks harmless and in the range of something like the recent Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film, which I really enjoyed despite the negative concensus. The FX do look a little tacky though especially that last shot with the T-Rex behind Ferrell. Here's hoping they clean it up a little.

Movie Review: Taken

The Good:
Characters: Liam Neeson proves himself to be a capable action hero.
Writing: For the most part, is pretty generic, but the scene involving Neeson on the phone with the villain is excellent.

The Bad:
Music: There seems to be a Jason Bourne borrowing here and it plays out sometimes in the music
Acting: As bad ass as he is in this movie, I've never particularly liked Neeson with an American dialect. Other parts are a little too exaggerated in their personalities.


The Plot:
Neeson is a retired operative for the United States Government who is trying to work things out with the family he lost for the sake of his job. When his ex-wife, now married to a wealthy man, comes to him with a proposition of letting their 17-year-old daughter go to Paris with a friend, he is reluctant at first but allows her to go anyway. Eventually his daughter is kidnapped by Albanian sex traffickers and Neeson must use his "particular set of skills" to save his daughter's life, before it's too late.


On the surface, Taken looks pretty generic in terms of action flicks, but when I found Luc Besson's name attached to the script, my interest grew. Taken is generic, but it's the good kind of generic, the kind of generic that's enjoyable.

First and foremost, the biggest surprise of the movie is how great an action hero Liam Neeson is, you'd think someone specializing in period dramas couldn't hold up to gunfights and fisticuffs, but you'd be wrong. Neeson with his stone face and raspy voice brings an aged face to the action/spy genre. I wish they would have worked his natural Irish accent somewhere into the story though, because an American dialect has never seemed to fit him well, but I guess that's just nitpicking.

The story is nothing to rave about, but they go about it in clever ways that don't make it too cookie-cutter. The scene in which Neeson's daughter is kidnapped is superb as he instructs her on what needs to be done, even knowing that the end result will be her getting snatched. The threat he delivers afterward to the criminal on the phone always manages to send chills up my spine. I also like how they handle Neeson's character in general. He's unapologetic, when he wants something, he gets it no matter what. It doesn't matter how illegal or immoral the deed is.

The action itself isn't so over the top that it's unbelievable, but it really feels like the director approached the choreographer and said, "You know those Bourne movies? Yeah, like that." The frantic fist fights and even the scoring, scream of Jason Bourne. Now this isn't certainly a negative, since the scenes are quite exciting anyway and there really isn't a Bourne style of action, but the vibe really hit me that they were in some way trying to emulate the far superior Bourne trilogy.

In regards to the supporting actors, mainly Famke Janssen and Maggie Grace, they really seemed to swing for the fences in the portrayal of Neeson's ex-wife and daughter respectively. Janssen is just a little too dense and vindictive and Grace is far too bubbly and pure for me to really care for them like I did Neeson's character.

Overall though, Taken is a surprise hit for me in terms of an early year release that is usually filled with duds. It's no Bond or Bourne and I don't foresee any sequels, but it has its moments of greatness to make it a solid action film.

Grade: B

$206 Million to make us laugh, cringe, or confused.

In a recent article (http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/28951579/) NBC has revealed that it has brought in a record 206 million dollars in ad revenue for a three hour super bowl game. And none of that came from a government bailout surprise, surprise.

Who says our economy sucks, with marketing firms willing to throw away that much money, we have yet to see what a sucky economy looks like.

So, let's speculate as to what we'll see for that dinero:

Miller High Life: A hefty black man will yell random things at us for one second incriments.

Budweiser: Can't say for sure, but it will probably involve doing something embarassing in front of a woman, getting hit in the nuts, a totally sweet dude invention, or hell, they could swing for the fences and do one that features all of that.

Movie Spots: Slow buildup...scary music...CRASH, BOOM, KAPOW, ("run" or "we can handle this" or "aw hell no"), POW POW POW...cool rock or rap music...title.

PSA's: They will tell us drugs and smoking are bad in really stupid ways that only make me want to do drugs and smoke to spite them.

Fed-EX: Funny scenarios about delivering packages, I mean like totally funny.

Pepsi: After hack celebrities get done patting themselves on the back for single-handedly getting Obama into office, they will then try to be funny all the while convincing us to drink Pepsi.

CHA-CHING!!!

p.e.t.a. REEEALLY likes vegetables.

That's right! According to this commercial, they like vegetables so much that apparently, they want to have sex with them.



In this uber-banned commercial that was slated to play during this year's superbowl, lingere-clad beauties "go veg" with various ground-grown food items.

First, to emulate a scene from Con Air:

Define...irony. Bunch of idiots use women as pieces of meat to sell the idea that eating meat is wrong.

Hmmm.

Second, "studies show...vegetarians have better sex"? How in the hell do you perform that kind of study, and who the hell performs that kind of study?
A "study", PETA, does not constitute Pamela Anderson coming to you and saying "Hey! I just had an all nighter with these two guys. One was a vegetarian and he was totally better the other guy."

Here's a study for you. According to Dr. Christopher Longcope of the University of Massachusets, men who do not have a regular protein intake are at risk of lowered testoterone, causing a decline in sexual function. In addition it damages bones and lowers red blood cell counts. (Source:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/613396.stm)

While PETA envisions a world where the deer and bunny rabbits frolic in the meadow, and "veg" men and women have earth-shattering sex, the reality of that world is that men will be limp puddles on the ground while women have orgies in the produce aisle.

So PETA, enjoy your "vegtiality". I on the other hand can not let your idiocy stand and must fight fire with fire. So take this...



Wow, I can't believe I got though all of this without a "vegetarians just need a little meat" joke...damn.

Random Film of the Week: The Usual Suspects

At the helm: Bryan Singer
The players: Gabriel Byrne, Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Spacey, Benicio Del Toro, Kevin Pollak
The year: 1994

It all starts with a line-up, and you know from the very beginning that one of these five guys is going to screw over the other four. Who could it be, the hard-edged leader with a heart of gold, the grease-monkey angry at the world, the trigger-happy nut job, the Spanglish-speaking smooth operator, or the quiet cripple. It's all about your power of observation, a theme that runs rampant throughout the film.

Bryan Singer's classic mystery taunts it audience, daring them to try and figure out who the villain really is. The villain comes in the form of Keyser Soze, a mythical butcher used as a spook story for criminals everywhere. The police can't exactly prove that he exists, but they can't exactly prove that he doesn't exist either. However, when his name pops up through the grapevine in a drug deal gone bad, the only person with any chance of knowing his identity is a crippled con-man played by Spacey. The film chronicles the story of five well known criminals leading up to their last fateful job together, and the aftermath that ensues.

What I like most about this movie is that it makes you feel involved, you get a brief dossier and sketch of every single character, and you have the opportunity to try and work it all out before the cops on screen do. From the beginning you know what happens. A cloaked figure descends upon one of the main characters and puts two bullets in his head. You see that the figure smokes, speaks clear English, holds his gun at a funny angle, and that his victim recognizes him. From there it's on you to figure it out. But let me say that it's hard to see the truth coming, little things peak you attention, but in the end it's just a distraction for the mind-blowing twist.

The film's got a great cast. Gabriel Byrne, post pea-soup vomit. Stephen Baldwin, about the time he was going batshit crazy, so his role wasn't much of a stretch. Finally Kevin Spacey, who got an Oscar for his role, and a deserved one at that. Spacey really sells the likability of his criminal character.

What kills this movie, as with most whodunits is it's replay value. Once you find out who Keyser Soze really is, it trumps the need for repeat watching, and if it doesn't do that, it at least robs it of its appeal. Not to say that it isn't a great film in its own right, but movies with gimmicks, like a big mystery and reveal, lose steam fast.

All in all though you can't beat some of the classic scenes in this movie, the line-up is probably one of the most ingenious ways of introducing characters and their personalities.

Affliction...or the douchebag nametag.

It's safe to say that you aren't a legitimate sporting franchise unless you have a clothinng line to back you up. A clothing line for the masses that says "Hey! I can't compete in this sport but I'm going to wear the clothes that make it look like I do!" Thus we have Affliction, a clothing line representing mixed martial arts and its fighters.

Yes these shirts feature a vast array of tatoo-like designs that wou were too afraid to get inked on your own body with "AFFLICTION" plastered in big gothic letters across the back or front. Yes these days having the word affliction across your body doesn't call attention to the fact that there is something wrong with you, it means you are tough. Truth be told you would probably have to be tough to overcome the grief in shilling out more than fifty dollars for a freaking t-shirt.

Bouncers, frat-boys, meat-heads, so-on so-forth, they all have at least one in their closet, and they all take every opportunity to wear it when they are in da club. These are the guys that think it's freaking tight to chug bombs at any minute so they can get that much closer to punching a wall, or regretibly someone's face.

Now, I try not to call out everyone that wears these things, there are some out there that appriciate the designs, which are pretty intricate. However, based on my own observations, in a college town no less, let me say that this kind of person represents a small minority of the surveyed population, so I won't be too merciful.

They wear the shirts about fifteen sizes too small so any arm, no matter how shapeless, looks like its packin' guns. Any man-boob becomes so compressed that they look like pecs of steel. Hell that's probably why they are so expensive, they'd have to be made of kevlar so they don't explode off of some nimrod's body from the pressure.

Browsing through the internet, I came across a Maxim article that shares my sentiments.

"If you don't own a tee like this, you've undoubtedly seen an ass-clown wearing one: emblazoned with a huge dragon, eagle, serpent, or other mythical beast, it's the douchebag shirt du jour, inspired by tattoo-art gear Von Dutch popularized a few years ago. The truth is, the only things these shirts scare away are girls who might actually have sex with you. For the love of God, cover up that creature!"

Granted, of the target demographic for these shrits, many who wear them could probably kick an ass or two, but that's not the point. These shirts have become the douchebag uniform, it makes it much easier to spot and avoid you, they turn you into walking punchlines.

I like MMA, I do, and the clothing line is co-owned by one pretty cool dude named Randy Couture, but he is the trendsetter, he gets a pass, plus HE ACTUALLY FIGHTS FOR A LIVING. The rest of the population that makes it a point to take out a loan to purchase these shirts and flaunt them are following in his bad-ass footsteps. You don't work as hard as he does and therefore, you don't get a fraction of the respect from me, only pity that it takes an expensive shirt to call attention to yourself.

So for you uber-douches out there, I present to you a theme song for your listening pleasure.

Movie Review: Slumdog Millionaire

The Good:
Story: It's truly inspirational and moving.
Appeal: Its ability to draw so many emotions keeps it fresh and interesting.
Camerawork: Danny Boyle never misses an opportunity to skew how he views the world from a lense.
Characters: You find yourself rooting for them, especially Jamal.
Music: AR Raman avoids sappy orchestra music and brings in a touch of Indian-infused techno with the lyrical stylings of M.I.A.

The Bad:
It ended.

The Plot: Jamal Malik is a young man born in the slums of Bombay, India, destined to live out the rest of his life in poverty. That is until he wins millions on India's version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. However the police are suspicious of Jamal's ability to know all the answers. What transpires is the life story of a poverty stricken boy who's unique life gives him all the answers he needs to know to not just win the money, but the love of his life.

Though I hate to break down and use the phrase "the little movie that could", I can't help the fact that this movie is building up steam with audiences everywhere, and it rightfully should. Slumdog Millionaire is one of those rare films that sticks with you well after watching it. After my viewing, I subsequently purchased some of its score off Itunes, listened to Paper Planes by M.I.A. (one of my favorite songs anyway) about ten times, watched the trailer repeatedly on Youtube and started my own personal PR campaign for the flick, which explains why I'm using this film as my first review.

What Danny Boyle and writer Simon Beaufoy have done is create a film that inspires. It makes you feel good, a "feel good" movie if you will. Boyle didn't white-wash the movie as it happened with "21", where the real-life Asian card counters were replaced by pretty white people. He stuck with Indian characters in India where the true story came from. One added benefit in using foreign actors that you have never heard of is that it creates a sense of compassion for them, you don't have the cloudiness of previous roles interrupting your ability to root for them.

One prime example I have of this is having watched Righteous Kill and Spy Kids in the period of a few days, both of which feature Carla Gugino. In Righteous Kill Gugino is a forensic detective who gets off on practically being raped and in Spy Kids, shes a wholesome mother who happens to be a spy. Now how can I appreciate Gugino as a cool superspy mother of two when I can't break my thoughts of her getting rammed in the ass by Robert De Niro? Get my point?

Hollywood and American filmmakers needs to embrace new actors, or at least lesser known actors if they want some degree of compassion and interest from their audiences.

Back to the movie, what really works is its seamless blending of Boyle-esqe camerawork, great music, and structure. One thing that had me concerned with the film was that we were going to have to practically sit through an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. However the fact that he is on the show really has no relevance to the main plot. It's really the point of transition for Jamal's life story. Each question highlights a part of Jamal's life be it tragic, humorous, or uplifting. The fact that he is on a game show for money and the fact that he wins it is honestly of no real importance. It's all about the love a good woman.

Dev Patel and Freida Pinto have a great chemistry. the likes of Leo and Kate in Titanic (yes I just name-dropped Titanic). Their love seems genuine and its stays that way all through their childhood as different actors portray Jamal and Latika through different stages of their lives.

As said the camerawork is a treat to watch, but what else would you expect from Danny Boyle. In addition, you can always expect an intriguing score from a Boyle film and AR Raman delivers with fast-paced electronic tracks with an infusion of Indian sound that make scenes that much more exciting. The inclusion of M.I.A. is also welcome since I will never get sick of Paper Planes, which is also featured in the movie.

Wrapping up, I can only say that I wish I would have had the opportunity to see Slumdog Millionaire last year so it could be at the top of my list of films for 2008, but nonetheless it is a pleasure to watch.

Grade: A

Where do we go from here.

So after much lolly-gagging and so forth I've decided to start my own blog in the hopes that someone sees it, gives me a job and I go buy a Corvette or something. How that will come to pass? I don't know but I'm not one for details. Anyway, my plan is to write about stuff, like I said not one for details.

OK so the "stuff" will probably sit in the form of movie reviews, film recommendations, videos that tickle my fancy, stuff I read about in the news, fairly ignorant opinions on politics and poking fun at the all around stupidity of humanity.

So that's it, that's all there is, there is no more. So enjoy it, and if you hate it, that's OK, it means you are reading it.